Hampton — A living cave person, presumed to be nearly 750,000 years old, was chipped out of a slab of marble last Friday in Hampton’s Public Works yard.
It is believed that the specimen was somehow encased and crystallized in the marble several hundred centuries ago, remaining perfectly preserved. The marble was intended to be used to create a sculpture for the centre of town, and was in the processes of being creatively reshaped when the cave person was found.
The sculptor himself thought the discovery was “real neat.”
“Real neat, I tell ya,” the sculptor said, without further insight. “Real neat.”
It was nearly three days after the discovery before the cave man was ready to hold his own press conference.
“I prefer cave PERSON, actually,” he corrected reporters, right off the bat. “I’m sorry, but ‘genders’ are a modern construct that I really cannot abide by. I find it so limiting.”
“How have you found adjusting to life in the future?” a CBC newswoman asked.
“Oh, I’ve found it to be just fine,” he said, gesturing around him. “Not much has changed around here, in all honesty.”
“Really?” asked a Telegraph-Journal reporter.
“Well, it’s not exactly New York, is it?” he replied. “I got a real sense of that city while watching a delightful Tom Hanks film in which he becomes infatuated with a mermaid.”
He paused a moment to contemplate this, stroking his ratty beard.
“Now that is a modern city. I could hardly get my mind around it, much less how both the city and Tom Hanks were small enough to fit inside that little box in my room.
“Also,” he added. “I must point out that the irony is not lost on me, having the Telegraph-Journal finding me archaic.”
Several in the press gallery chuckled at his old-fashioned wit. The Telegraph reporter blushed.
“I just thank the almighty star gods that I was excavated in a province that makes me feel so at home,” he said, with a genuine smile.
Just then, a photographer asked him if he wouldn’t mind having his photograph taken.
“Certainly,” said the cave person. “I don’t know what it is, so I doubt I’d miss it much.”
As the flashbulb went off, the cave person went into a fury. “FIRE!” he cried, before bolting into the press gallery and bludgeoning six reporters to death. It took eight men bearing shiny objects to finally distract and subdue the early human.
Clearly, the press conference was over.