Saint John — All eyes were on New Brunswick’s troubled youth yesterday after a six-year-old boy admitted to a string of bank robberies earlier last year, when he was “this many” [five] years old. This comes directly on the tail of another ruling implicating a Moncton child in an armed robbery this past February.
The six-year-old was apprehended after an uptown convenience store employee notified the police that a suspicious-looking infant was attempting to purchase a Slush Puppie with marked bills.
This discovery has many people wondering how such a small child, armed only with a Super Soaker, could successfully rob five banks in one city.
“Yeah, man. The security in those places is terrible,” explained Malcolm Lavin, head of TD Trust’s Maritime branch. “That’s why I keep all my money in an offshore account.”
“Well shucks,” said Jeremy Condon, one of the CIBC bank tellers, “I sure feel awful silly. See, my parents didn’t approve of what they called ‘war toys,’ like water guns, Walkie Talkies or Band-Aids, so when I saw the gun, I just didn’t… Oh, I’m so embarrassed.”
What would cause a child so young to commit such high-level crimes? His mother spoke to this point with reporters shortly before the trial. As the cameras rolled, she shook her head sadly and sighed deeply, moving close to the microphone to ensure her distress was clearly picked up.
“I just don’t know how this could have happened,” she said, sadly. “I thought his various foster parents raised him better than that.”
The Manatee asked Families and Children Minister Stephen Horsman if he felt the boy’s mother ought to be held criminally responsible for the actions of her son, but the minister quickly became distracted.
“Oh shit, really? He admitted to everything?” he asked, bewildered. He paused to think for a moment before calling his assistant over and whispering, “Hey, you think maybe we can pin this whole ‘child deaths’ thing on this kid?… y’know, get the effin’ CBC off my ass?”
Ultimately, the child was sentenced to four weeks without dessert. Next week, he will be facing separate charges for calling his brother a “poopie head” and bonking him in the head with a SpongeBob toy.