Fredericton — Emergency officials are warning Fredericton residents and especially students attending UNB and STU that there has been a sudden rash of Paleo cases discovered on campus.
“We had a terrible upswing of Paleo back in, oh, around 2010 I’d say,” said RCMP Constable George Henwood. “I thought it had died off, but somehow, some way, the devastating disease has come back in full force.”
Henwood said UNB forestry student Jessica Foley, 20, exhibited strong warning signs of the disease last week, but unfortunately 15 more students contracted the illness before Foley sought medical help.
“Young Jessica had all the classic symptoms, but it’s just such an out-of-style mindset right now that everyone had sort of let their guard down,” said Const. Henwood, shaking his head. “She’d go to the cafeteria and ask for a ‘lettuce wrap,’ whatever the heck that is, she’d talk to her friends about the ‘Caveman Diet,’ but none of them listened to her cries for help because everyone was so sick of her telling them that no-bake avocado brownies are a quick and easy treat on the run.”
According to Foley’s science professor, Brenda Higgins, Paleo often strikes entire packs of wealthy young women who have very little to think about otherwise; loved ones are caught off guard when the whole group is picked off by Paleo, one by one.”
“The thing is, they talk about ‘balance’ and ‘meditation’ and that kind of thing so often that you just start to tune them out,” said Higgins. “So, as is too often the case, by the time it’s discovered that the person has Paleo, it’s too late.”
Foley’s immediate circle of friends have all contracted Paleo, and have been recuperating in their respective homes. “It’s so sad,” said Foley’s mother, Glenda. “She used to live a full life, and now all she does is sit at home measuring food and sharing articles online about the ‘Paleo diet fix’ or ‘10 easy Paleo lunches.’ I had to lock her in her room so I wouldn’t have to hear about it again.”
Foley’s boyfriend, Ross Pritchett, said he hopes his girlfriend can get through this, but unfortunately he won’t be there to help her. “I really can’t risk it,” he told our reporter. “I heard you can catch it just by listening to them drone on about food this, diet that. It’s insidious.”
The RCMP have released a list of common warning signs of Paleo:
- Demanding all meals be wrapped in iceberg lettuce for some reason
- Refusing even the most delicious bread products and/or pretending not to like bread at all
- Wearing expensive Lululemon apparel while also supposedly shunning a consumerist lifestyle
- Stealing credit cards to purchase pricey yoga and/or crossfit passes
- Sharing articles online about how delicious and easy Paleo can be, and ignoring the fact that it costs about $50 to make one Paleo lunch
- Telling friends and family about “alternatives” to noodles and other foods that don’t need to be improved upon
- Stuffing things (tuna salad, etc.) into an avocado and calling it a meal
- An honest-to-god belief that ‘Savoury Broccoli Pancakes’ will be as satisfying as real pancakes with butter and maple syrup
“This has been really scary for students and faculty at UNB,” said Henwood. “But if we pay attention, hopefully this silly diet can be prevented in the future.”