Small-penised Maritimer to Montréal Christmas tree fans: ‘Size isn’t everything’

Small-penised Maritimer to Montréal Christmas tree fans: ‘Size isn’t everything’

Halifax — We’ve all heard the idiom, “It’s not the size of the wand, but the magic inside it.” Apparently, this sentiment was lost on the city of Montréal as they chose their scrawny yet tall Christmas tree for the city this past year.

While Montréal can proudly proclaim that their holiday tree is near the height of the famous New York Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center, a Halifax man with a small penis is reminding Montréal city officials that size isn’t everything.

“Sure, it’s tall and long and high and everything… but look at it,” said tiny-penised Halifax native Virgil Sapin. “That tree is ugly with a capital ‘UG.’ It looks like it fell off of the truck on the highway 8 or 9 times on the way to city. I mean, they chose it just because of its length and I think that’s totally wrong.

“There were probably hundreds of average-sized or even smaller trees that were much more beautiful and unique, full of possibility and wonder, just waiting for a chance to show their stuff,” said the man with the disproportional dong. “But, no… no one even gave them a second look because those trees were shorter than what they wanted. It’s just not fair.”

Since erecting their tall tree over the past week, the Montréal fir has been much maligned on social media. Many are calling it a poor choice, and comparing it to the the infamous misshapen Christmas tree owned by Charlie Brown. Sapin agrees that the Montréal missed out on an opportunity to give a smaller but still beautiful tree a chance to shine.

“Sure it’s big, but it looks like it has some sort of disease. Who wants to see that thing coming at them? You know, the girth of a tree is important too. Very important!

“It’s like they say — ‘It’s not the size of the boat nor the motion in the ocean, it’s whether or not the captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.’ Does that apply here? I feel like it does… or is it just me?”

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