Halifax — A CBC Marketplace report recently revealed that Subway’s chicken is only about 50 percent actual chicken, meaning the sandwich chain’s standard for “real” chicken falls far below that of A&W, Tim Hortons, Wendy’s and even McDonald’s — these restaurants’ chicken products all clock in at 85 percent chicken DNA or higher.
Rounds of lab testing confirmed that Subway is an anomaly when it comes to fast-food chicken. The Manatee decided to take this rigorous research a step further to confirm that Subway’s infamously chewy, feet-smelling bread is almost 80 percent yoga mat. We then took to the streets to find out how Atlantic Canadians feel about the news.
“We already suspected the bread was mostly yoga mat,” said Marcus O’Reilly of Miramichi, N.B., while stuffing his face with a Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt. “I mean it smells like an old foot, it’s impossible to chew through, and it doesn’t change texture when you bake it, freeze it, pound it with a hammer — whatever. The chicken thing doesn’t bother me at all. Ah, hell, neither does the yoga mat thing. Who am I kidding.”
“Where are the yoga mats from, though?” asked Truro, N.S. resident Kim Gavin, between mouthfuls of a soggy Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub. “Like are they from a new yoga studio, or have they been rolled up in some high school gym closet for years? I think that might make a difference in the taste. The sweat from a lot of yoga could add some tasty salt… you know, like it would create a nice brine. Or at least the bread wouldn’t be covered in dust and cobwebs like it sometimes is.”
Montague, P.E.I. native Weldon Moffat said he was surprised to learn that Subway’s chicken is barely chicken, but deep down, he doesn’t mind in the slightest. “I grew up eatin’ rubbery lobsters and knobby old spuds that Mom would haul outta the cellar — it was always the same thing. At Subway, you walk in there and it’s all bright colours, smiling faces, friendly service.
“And I get to choose my own condiments!” he enthused, in line for a footlong Oven Roasted Chicken. “It’s such variety! I say let ’em put what they want in the chicken, and make the bread out of old sneakers for all I care… You won’t catch me complaining.”
Representatives from Subway declined to comment for this story; each time we called the answering machine just repeated “Eat Fresh!” about nine times before disconnecting.