‘The Manatee’ readers outraged by NB limits on public smoking

New Brunswick — Angry tobacco toakers from all over the planet have put the New Brunswick government on notice that they are not happy about their latest proposed restrictions on smoking citizens.

Last Monday, The Manatee reported that the New Brunswick government announced new limitations to smoking in public, restricting the activity to a 10-hour span between 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. Any public smoking outside of these hours is punishable by a $1,100 fine and the requirement to speak for the rest of the day using an electrolarynx. Anyone under the age of 19 caught smoking would need to smoke an entire pack, or eat an unfiltered cigarette and prove that they swallowed it. Also, smokers can only receive health care if they agree to wear a scarlet letter “S” on their hospital gown, and the price of a carton of cigarettes would increase to include the wholesale cost of an oxygen tank.

Since The Manatee published this story, it received over 500,000 views after the article was shared widely on Facebook. The article also received more than 250 comments from outraged citizens who think the proposed tobacco control measures are draconian, illegal and just plain ridiculous.

The following are a sample of real comments on these proposed measures:

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So far, the New Brunswick government has not commented on the public outcry against the new changes to the Tobacco Sales Act starting July 1. However, today The Manatee uncovered exclusive new details about more planned tobacco restrictions in the province of New Brunswick. This looming supplementary legislation will be unveiled before the end of summer of 2015. These measures include:

  • Smoking within 25 feet of any child is punishable by a $5,000 fine and 30 days in jail. This restriction includes both inside and outside as well as private residences, and still counts even if the child really enjoys the smell;
  • Tobacco use around pets is strictly prohibited, and will result in the state confiscating said animal and putting it up for adoption. The animal’s new owners will be told that the former owner was a total jerk;
  • Anyone apprehended for littering cigarette butts must spend 2 hours picking up butts with a pair of tweezers, or be fined $1,100;
  • Cuban cigars are exempt from all tobacco restrictions because they are really cool and too damned tasty;
  • Anyone who is caught smoking while driving between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. will have the option of paying the $1,110 fine, or consent to wearing 2 large nicotine patches over their eyes for a 48-hour period;
  • Nicotine gum will now be covered by Medicare, and come in 14 new tasty flavours including “ketchup,” “nacho cheese” and “smoky bacon”;
  • If a smoker get a tobacco-related disease, they are prohibited by law from complaining about it… even if it really, really hurts. They are compelled to smile widely and claim to feel “super-duper” whenever asked;
  • Anytime a smoker coughs they must pay $20 per cough to the Canadian Cancer Society or the New Brunswick Lung Association.

So far, Health Minister Victor Boudreau has refused to comment on these new additional restrictions; however, he did say that anyone who was concerned about them should “relax and have a smoke.”

  1. Bruce Driscoll June 5, 2015, 8:21 pm

    Oh No, I’m not sure what to think about this public ban. I suppose that now when I see a gorgeous woman, or man, walking down the street between these hours, if I say “Hey, smokin”!, they could be fined. And to think, Jim Carrey might be hauled off to jail just for making a movie. What about exhaust pipes in muscle cars, if they’re smoking? I could go on…and I will….does this mean no smoker grills in the backyard, no B-B-Q ribs, no salmon steaks on cedar planks?

    Thank heavens that beer is fermented, pizza is baked, corn is boiled and chicken is roasted, and there will always be room in this world for half-baked ideas and people who thrive on life and silliness.

    Bruno

    Reply
  2. F**k these new laws!!

    Reply
  3. Thanks. I needed the laugh. The comments on this and the preceeding article serve to remind me that Judge Judy is right “Beauty fades…dumb is forever”. No matter what idiocy I encounter in my day…..there are more moronic people out there! Ones who read only an article title and become hilariously enraged. Keep up the great work! The Manatee….outing those sly imbeciles who walk among us regular citizens.

    Reply
  4. I am fuming and so f…..g angry over these asnine morons who “think” they can dictate what we do. Wasn’t it bad enough that you cut smoking in bars and pubs. What’s next. Get a life or suck on it.

    Reply
  5. Easily your most successful satire yet, nicely done.

    Reply

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