New Brunswick — Tim Hortons is facing a huge drop-off in sales this quarter as gas prices continue to plummet in the province, while coffee prices remain high. Since the taste is generally considered to be more or less the same, and with gasoline having the added bonus of making engines run, customers have increasingly found themselves migrating away from the coffee shop and into the gas station.
“I just don’t see much incentive to pay 2 bucks for a cup of Timmies when I can go down to Canadian Tire and fill an entire milk jug for that price,” said coffee drinker Jeremy Farris.
Many patrons have also pointed out that gasoline vendors offer a wide selection of different blends from supreme to diesel, while Tims offers only their regular blend, and the even more putrid dark roast.
This shift has created a great deal of concern for Burger King stockholders, who fear that their recent acquisition of Tim Hortons will prove unfruitful.
“I find it extremely discouraging,” said Burger King CEO Daniel S. Schwartz, stirring milk into a cup of heating oil. “We bought the company under the assumption that Canadians like their coffee strong and disgusting.”
Though major coffee retailers continue to suffer, local entrepreneurs haven’t missed a beat, building hip new gas-cafés around the country. PETRoh, a recently opened gas shop in downtown Fredericton, has been seeing as many as 300 customers a day, according to manager Sheila Harrity.
“It’s important for us to create a unique atmosphere with live music, alternative artwork, and feng shui, but it all begins and ends with the quality of our premium petroleum.”
While on the surface this gas-guzzling craze may appear to be another passing fad — like mineral water, Figi water, energy drinks, MiO, vitimin water, chai tea, bubble tea, Yop, Sambazon diet soda, froyo, sports drinks, iced tea cola, Pouchlink drinks, artificially flavoured water, naturally flavoured water and Propel fitness drink — it is showing no signs of stopping. Just last week Irving Oil signed a deal with Keurig Green Mountain to produce a line of K-Cups containing pure, unfiltered petroleum. The product is expected to be in stores by November, and to come in 3 distinct flavours: “Puerto Rico Petro,” “Drivin’ Me Crazy” and “Passin’ Gassing.”