Sussex — Twenty-two-year-old Mathew Connick, a local retail worker, thought he was in for a light, romantic evening when he was suddenly shot down and friendzoned by his crush. Connick survived but is in emotionally critical condition.
The incident happened last night around 8 p.m. Sources say Connick was on his way home from work when he decided to profess his love for his (then) romantic interest. He made a detour to her apartment to make a date for the upcoming weekend. However, after attempting to express himself, he took a near-fatal blow when his love interest confessed, “I’m just not interested, but can we still be friends?”
Connick was immediately hospitalized but was released this morning. He is under strict medical orders to remain in his bedroom and make at least three anti-female posts on social media, every day until he feels better.
The woman responsible for Connick’s friendzoning has been identified as Melissa Boyles, 21, who has been a casual acquaintance and romantic interest of Connick’s since they attended high school together, but is now “just a friend.”
The Manatee asked Boyles about her motives.
“I had been plotting to friendzone him for months,” she stated. “Maybe I should have just gone out with him, but when he asked me out I knew I just couldn’t. So I friendzoned him — and I would do it again! It was the only thing I could do. He was just too nice, and personally, that’s a turnoff for me.”
The Manatee asked what kind of men Boyles finds herself attracted to. She replied, “Romantically, I only go for assholes. You know, guys who enjoy checking themselves out at the gym, who love violent sports or any other kind of aggressive competition. I’m into conniving villains of men who twist their ways into decent-paying careers with plenty of job security and familial benefits. I’m attracted to jerks, basically. Matty was just none of these things.”
Boyles has not yet been arrested or charged. Connick’s loved ones are speaking out against her behaviour:
“It’s a real shame he didn’t get any from Melissa,” said Jamie MacDonald, cousin. “He was just the nicest! He would always be the first to comment on new profile pictures of his female Facebook acquaintances, saying how goddess-like they were and nice stuff like that.”
“Nice guys really do finish last,” said Jesse Brown, Facebook acquaintance. “And Matty defined the word ‘nice.’ One time, he and I were at the airport and we saw this woman breastfeeding her newborn. Matty was so nice that he walked right up to the woman and told her he believed in what she was doing. I mean, how nice is that? Well, she must have been crazy or something, cause she didn’t take the compliment. She just got all embarrassed and started covering up. Then the baby started crying — real mess.”
“I really thought he would make Melissa happy,” said DJ Burns, coworker. “He was such a nice guy — a modern-day gentleman. He would always go out of his way to help a woman in need. My friend Samantha once wrote a Facebook status about some financial problems she was going through. Matt was so nice, he offered her money. That made her uncomfortable so Samantha refused. But ol’ Matty offered again. Real gentleman. She said no again, so he just kept offering until she deleted him from Facebook.”
Connick was unavailable for comment at press time.