Saint Andrews — John Spinney once had a magnificent outdoor garden filled with flower beds and colourful vegetation. But it’s all gone now because of herds of ravenous deer that devour all in their path.
Spinney claims that approximately every three to five minutes, there are anywhere between 30 to 50 bloodthirsty deer crashing through his fence and consuming anything edible. And it’s not just a problem on his property…it’s every single backyard of every house in the entire town.
“It’s just horrific,” said Spinney. “And it’s all day long. All night long. Every three to five minutes by my count.”
The town’s deer problem isn’t a new phenomenon; Saint Andrews has been coping with an overpopulation of the invasive species for many years.
“They’re a plague, plain and simple,” said Mayor Doug Naish. “They’re killing machines, and when it comes to deforestation, they’re far more efficient than even the Irvings! There are literally thousands of them in Saint Andrews, maybe tens of thousands, but they organize into smaller terrorist cells, always travelling in packs of 30 to 50. Never less, never more.”
This week, the hapless folk of Saint Andrews have finally had enough, and so a coalition of citizens took out a full-page ad in the Telegraph-Journal, begging the province for help.
“I want a tank,” said Spinney. “Maybe a bazooka or a machine gun? And I want a dozen of them. I need to defend myself and my flowers. It should be my right to kill whatever walks on my land! I mean we’re so close to the border here — we’re almost Americans.”
The New Brunswick government claim that the residents of Saint Andrews are exaggerating and simply want an excuse to legally hunt within town limits.
“Look,” said Mike Holland, minister of energy and resource development, “let’s be honest here, they just want guns. They want to kill things from the comfort of their front porch. I understand that. As a PC, all of our policies are — in one way or another — death sentences for poor people, minorities, retirees, the environment, et cetera.
“It’s like hey, we really get it, okay? We love watching things die, especially when they’re in our way, but we can’t just murder a bunch of deer because some old people are upset about their flowers.”