Minto — Ralph Dorcas of Minto, N.B., has just died, mere hours after winning the Lotto 6/49 jackpot he had been vying for over the last several decades of his existence.
Dorcas, 89, passed away clutching the winning ticket in his hands shortly after hearing his numbers called out on TV. Dorcas’s wife Marla, 87, said her late husband always figured he could stave off death for another couple of decades at least, if he were only a millionaire.
“He talked about it all the time,” Marla recalled. “He was a real bore, to be honest. Never said anything worth listening to, always just yammering on about what he would do with his lotto winnings. I said, ‘Howsabout you win first, then figure it out.’
“He didn’t take care of himself, ate red meat every meal, smoked three packs a day and drank like a sailor. I think he thought the Good Lord wouldn’t take him if he still hadn’t done what he was put on this Earth to do: which was of course to win the Lotto 6/49 jackpot and get his picture in the paper.”
The $30-million jackpot is the largest ever claimed in New Brunswick, and now it’s all the property of Marla, who always told her husband that the lottery is “nothing more than a tax on the stupid.”
“Me, I don’t believe in gambling,” she said, “but I do believe in having nice things. I’m going to upgrade my lifestyle in a big way. Ralph was a cheap old bastard who would never splurge — certainly not on the likes of me. I think he gave me the same book for Christmas four years in a row! He’d pretend to forget our anniversary because he didn’t want to have to take me out for dinner!”
Marla plans to use the money to finally move out of “the old dump” of a house she currently lives in, to pay off her adult children so they’ll quit asking for handouts every other day, to get one of those purebred hairless cats that apparently cost thousands, to finally subscribe to the Telegraph-Journal, to get a new iPad, and to try her darndest to bribe the Grim Reaper herself.
“Death wouldn’t spare Ralph, but that’s because he was a big selfish nincompoop. Me, on the other hand…I have lots of years left in me. Lots.”
Marla then choked on an apricot pit and died, effectively concluding the interview.
Ya right. You want me to believe this cork and bull story?