Gulf of St. Lawrence — The reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated by the federal government according to a local right whale.
On Sunday, the Department of Fisheries and Oceans tweeted that a new right whale death had occurred in the Gulf of St. Lawrence. However, on Monday the government reversed its position saying they had made a mistake.
When contacted for comment by The Manatee, the right whale in question was indignant.
“Well, how do you like that plankton?!” fumed the right whale. “How dare they assume that I’m dead! Can’t a whale spend the afternoon doing the back-float in the goddamn ocean without being written off by the friggin’ Canadian government? I guess not!”
The whale — nicknamed “Abra-Cadaver” by scientists — has a contentious past with the Department of Fisheries and Oceans. Sunday’s incident was the ninth time that Abra had been reported dead by the government department.
“We thought he was a goner but the whale came back the very next day! We are pretty sure that he’s one-quarter cat,” laughed DFO marine biologist Baley Nowar. “He’s had more close calls than Dennis Oland!”
Abra-Cadaver admits he is a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and likes to thrill-seek on the open water. “Honestly, there’s not much to do out here but swim and eat,” he said with a weird look on his whale-face. “I can’t even find a girlfriend. It’s pretty lonely 99 per cent of the time.
“It’s enough to make a mammal… a little…crazy sometimes…you know?” the incel whale chuckled nervously. He became very quiet for a moment.
Then, he asked, “Do you ever get crazy like that? Like, I mean…really wacko ideas?” Then he laughed really hard for a long time.
“When I see a boat or a net, I get really fucking excited,” he said quietly. “I go full-tilt at that thing, whatever it is. I don’t even care!
“What can I say? Being all alone in the ocean makes you do some crazy shit.”