Fredericton — If you’re planning to leisurely surf the world wide web in the downtown Fredericton area anytime soon, you’re going to have to make a few additions to your wardrobe — and this reporter isn’t talking about the Apple Watch or any other type of contemporary wearable technology.
The truth of the matter is that the free downtown wireless network’s (Fred-eZone) performance has gotten so bad, all users are now required to completely wrap their bodies in aluminum foil in order to maintain an effective connection. Aluminum has been shown to be best metallic element on the Periodic Table to yield optimal, yet cost-effective results.
Fellow downtowner Colin Gallant was kind enough to remove his homemade tinfoil mask and share some of his first-world problems with The Manatee early Friday.
“It’s not too bad. Wearing a suit made of foil is somehow less embarrassing than freaking out in public and throwing your computer into bushes near the park over a slow Internet connection. Last month, my connection dropped right when I was un-friending someone on Facebook. It didn’t look like it took so I hit un-friend again and I ended up erroneously re-friending them. So now they are wondering why I un-friended them in the first place,” explained Gallant.
Retailers in the downtown Fredericton area are already jumping on-board, offering a full selection of aluminum garments to help their customers achieve a fast connection with a recent partnership with new startup company FastFoil. The retailers include Radical Edge, Robert Simmonds Clothing, Victory Meat Market, and the little convenience store inside King’s Place Mall just before you walk out the back entrance to the parking garage but before you get to the hair salon.
Some of the available clothing is detailed below:
Foil hat – Will give you 2 bars of Wi-Fi connectivity and may prevent aliens from reading your thoughts.
Foil socks – Base-level Internet connection; if you’re just looking to check your email but nothing else.
Foil pants – 3 bars of connectivity. Known as the “Catch 22”; great for up to 4 browser tabs, but not great for meeting that significant other.
Full premium suit – Head-to-toe, full-foil suit with optional antennas like it’s friggin’ 1989. This will maintain your connection even if the city unplugs the router.