New Brunswick — Fredericton-born musician David Myles dropped by New Brunswick’s capital city earlier this morning to announce a surprising new shift in his career goals. The popular Atlantic artist and sometimes-host of CBC Radio’s The East Coast Music Hour waited for fans and reporters to gather outside The Fredericton Playhouse before dropping his bombshell.
“Gentlewomen, gentlemen, gentlereporters, thank you for coming to hear my big announcement. Please believe me when I say that I wish today wasn’t so wet,” he said, squeezing a fake flower on his chest and spraying water on the already sopping-wet crowd.
“Hahaha, sorry folks. I promise I’ll quit clowning around. Which — coincidentally — is why you’re gathered here. I’ve decided to pursue the ancient and sacred art of clowning,” explained Myles, while reaching behind his ear, pulling out a bulbous red orb and fitting it on his nose.
“You can call me… bum ba-da bah! David Smyles!” trumpeted Smyles, drumming at the podium with hands now covered by cartoon-like white gloves.
“Fear not! I will still be singing, but at more exclusive venues — backyard birthday parties for children 10 and under. I’m tired of seeing young adult faces lit by the dim blue glow of their phones at my performances. I crave the excitement in children’s eyes as they learn that counting to 24 can be fun and quite silly,” elaborated Smyles.
Before those in attendance could gather their wits to ask questions, Smyles pulled out a bright pink guitar with Slinkies dangling from the bottom, and began strumming away.
“Who wants to hear a hilarious twist on an old classic? I call it ‘Inner Clown.’ To help me out, here’s my good friend Classified!”
All thoughts of questions, criticisms, or negative comments flew from the minds of everyone present as East Coast Music Award-winner Classified joined Smyles and proceeded to drop a fly beat. “Instant Ninja” addresses being a clown in the modern age of technology, instant gratification, short attention spans, and embracing one’s inner entertainer.
After the performance, the stunned witnesses had mixed feelings about everything that had just happened.
“On one hand, I’m really happy for the guy. But on the other hand, I’m sad that I can never see him perform again.”- Brian Fairweather, 36.
“I feel like he’s telling us all that deep down inside, we all just want to laugh at ourselves and the world around us. It’s empowering.” – Sam MacIntosh, 21.
“He’s making a mockery of music and all that it represents! The very idea! Next thing you know, athletes will try to become politicians! This disgusts me.” – Grant Bishop, 49.
“I liked the red nose.” Lucy Sorensen, 8.