Shediac — A recent review by Fisheries and Oceans Canada revealed that efforts to rebuild the stock of Atlantic salmon in the Bay of Fundy has caused European-strain genes to be mixed into the local population.
This has created a great deal of complications for the fish and has led to an increased mortality rate for the species.
One fisherman, 54-year-old Eddie Minsker, was particularly perturbed by the news.
“It’s sickening to see this kind of cross-bred genetic manipulation in our waters,” he said, shaking his head. “Man, this ocean used to be great. What the hell happened?”
Clearly, this is a cause close to Minsker’s heart, and he says he plans to do something about it.
In fact, the middle-aged fisherman invited The Manatee to accompany him on a short boat ride to protest the “impure” species of fish in a “non-violent fashion” early Thursday morning.
Shortly before the trip, the question was put to the Minsker as why he felt such hatred for these salmon.
“I don’t know about hate,” he said, “but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a certain degree of pride in our local species.”
When it was pointed out that he had several hand-painted signs behind him that read “Death to Half-Breed Salmon,” and “Hey Fishie–Hook This,” he simply shrugged.
“Some of us are just more proud than others.”
He elaborated on his feelings as the boat pulled out of the docks.
“Listen, man. I just don’t want them imposing their crazy, foreign salmon beliefs on our naïve locals,” he said. “Like, for instance, adopting a more free-moving migration policy or a krill- and shrimp-based diet. Who knows how that’d fuck up our ecosystem!”
Once he had anchored his boat in an area known to be salmon-dense, Minsker unpacked his hateful signs and began his protest, which mostly comprised of yelling slurs and obscenities into the water.
“Why don’t you go back to the Pacific Ocean, you bunch of Oncorhynchus weirdos!” he cried, tossing handfuls of plastic straws into the small swells of the waves.
As time wore on, however, Minsker gradually began to relax and explain his sentiments more clearly.
“I think it mostly just bothers me to think of all the tax dollars that are being wasted on supporting these half-breed salmon doing nothing but leeching off of society.”
He stopped to take another swig of his Budweiser — his 11th that afternoon.
“And thas another thing! What about thuh fuggin’ leeches, huh? Where’s their govmental suppart, HANH? They…They’ve been doin’ their thing here in this province for YEARS, but is Mister Gallant ever gonna hand them a goddamn cheque? I donnefugginthinkso…”
Suddenly, losing his balance, Minsker pitched forward, smashing his head off the edge of the boat and passing out.
This is why I’m submitting the manuscript for this article via message in a bottle. If you’re reading this, please send help. Minsker’s bleeding and won’t wake up. I have no idea how to drive this thing or get back to shore. At the time of this writing, our coordinates are 46.468796,-64.409[Illegible], but we’re drifting outward. If I don’t make it back, please tell my mother [Illegible]…
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Editor’s note: The remainder of this document is far too water-damaged to transcribe. The whereabouts of our reporter are still unknown. If you have any information as to where he may be, we ask that you please pass that along via email or Facebook messenger.