New Brunswick — In a campaign bombshell, it has been reported that People’s Alliance Leader Kris Austin is seeking to end duality in the province not by eliminating French programs, but rather English ones.
“All I’ve said is that I want to end duality,” he explained. “I never said how I was going to do it. Everyone just assumed it would be by eliminating French stuff, but it’ll actually be easier if I just cut the English things out instead.”
Austin revealed that he came to this conclusion during harsh backlash from critics who suggested his party was infringing on Acadian rights and that he and his party were exemplifying qualities not in line with the values and ethics of New Brunswickers.
“We have a very dedicated, loud minority supporting us,” he continued. “And I love them very much. They don’t care about our inexperience, they don’t care about our grammar, they don’t care about our history of offensive remarks — they just care about the fact that we’re not red or blue and I love that about them.
“But, if we’re going to make a real impact in the province, we’re going to have to broaden our following, and to do that I came up with this plan where I’ll continue to talk about how French is the problem to keep my current supporters on board, but I’ll also appeal to the French population and those compassionate to them by cutting English programs. It’s a win-win-win.”
Our reporter asked Fredericton residents for their opinion on the matter and found that PANB supporters were willing to stand behind Austin’s platform no matter what it was.
“If Kris says it’s a good idea, then I’m 200 per cent on board,” explained Freddy Mariota, who apparently doesn’t understand how percentages work. “He’s got my vote and he’ll always have it. Let’s get the politicians out and the people who don’t know what they’re doing in — it worked in America and it’ll work here!”
Austin went on to say the fact that he’s not bilingual also played a part in the formation of his new plan.
“I was picturing myself trying to deal with these French people and trying to communicate with them and it seemed like a nightmare. Imagine me there, needing to get valuable information and have meaningful conversations with people I can’t even understand and who don’t understand me! That is not a world I want to live in at all.”
Austin will be in Fredericton campaigning this weekend as he continues to encourage people to “be the change” while giving no indication what that change actually consists of — other than the colour of the party you vote for.
“Tired of Blue and Red? Vote Purple and clear you’re head!” read the side of Austin’s purple minivan as he drove away, blissfully unaware of the grammatical error in his slogan.