Moncton — Religious scholars and meteorologists gathered in Moncton on Thursday to review the ongoing “wrath of God” weather happening in the Maritime provinces.
Since Christmas, the Maritimes has experienced several days of extremely cold -30-something windchills, unmeltable anchor ice on highways, and a weather “bomb cyclone.”
This weekend, the region is forecast to receive heavy rainfall and with melting snow, that will cause floods.
“OK God, we get it. You’re mad at us. Enough already, you made your point!” said weary CBC meteorologist Kalin Mitchell. “Please stop with the passive-aggressive weather. Light up a burning bush or something and just tell us what’s wrong already.
“Is this about Trump? Because we can’t do anything about that up here,” he added.
While many have theorized that the prolonged extreme weather is due to climate change, that conclusion is not correct according to a report released from the U.S.-based National Center for Atmospheric Research. The climate-change watchdog says that this rare weather is just a freak of nature that happens from time to time.
Religious studies professor Sandra LaBrise doesn’t believe in coincidence though, and says that the Maritimes need to get right with the Almighty as soon as possible.
“The main way to appease the gods throughout history is some sort of animal or human sacrifice,” said LaBrise. “But, that’s really out of step with our modern moral sensibilities.
“How about some sort of ‘personal sacrifice,’ like giving up Netflix for a week…or having a 500MB data plan…or no foam with our lattés? Something not too extreme.”
Until the Maritimes gain favour with the gods again, there is only one thing we can do according to amateur meteorologist Frankie MacDonald.
“Be prepared!” he said.