Bathurst — Last week, farmers from across the province met in Fredericton as part of their annual conference of the Agricultural Alliance of New Brunswick. Among the topics discussed were governmental support, farmland security and how to attract a younger generation of farmers.
Farmer Joe, a Bathurst-area dairy farmer, agreed to show The Manatee the ways in which his family is attempting to appeal to the youth.
“We’ve tried several things, but it’s extremely difficult to make the process of milking cows not seem totally gross,” said Farmer Joe. “We’ve done cartoon animations, video game tutorials, rap songs (Y’all need that sweet butter, bitch/so pull down on that udder, trick), but thus far, nothing’s caught on.”
Despite their failures, the family continues to explore new and innovative ways to connect with teens.
“We are currently developing an app for iPhone and Android,” said Farmer Joe. “We’re working with an early build right now, but it follows the Tinder model, pairing users with their optimal milking cow. We think it’ll be a big hit.”
As he entered the pasture, Farmer Joe approached a rather unique-looking cow, its face covered in powder and its lips smeared with purple lipstick. In front of her was a mounted webcam, its red light shinning brightly.
“This here is Katrina, she does makeup tutorials on our YouTube channel,” he said, patting her backside. “She’s already got 700 subscribers, although we suspect a large chunk of that is people confusing her with Jenna Marbles.”
After touring the farm, Farmer Joe, his wife and his father convened in the kitchen to plan the annual community barn dance, where the three of them intended to premiere their rigorously rehearsed “Nae Nae” dance moves.
“Goddammit, that’s enough,” said Farmer Pat, the aging patriarch of the family, slamming his fist on the table. “In the past fifty years I’ve learned the Twist, the Hustle, the Moonwalk, the Dougie, the YMCA, the Twerk, the Dab, the Harlem Shake, the Robot, the Stanky Leg, the Cotton-Eyed Joe and the Hokey Pokey. None of it has made a lick of difference!”
Farmer Joe was visibly shocked at his father’s outburst, but seemed to admire his resolve. The old man continued.
“Of course I want young people to get into farming, to carry on our great tradition, but we can’t simply pander to the fleeting trends. Instead, let us celebrate and promote our fundamental customs!
“After all, we must remain firm in what we believe in,” he continued, standing, placing his hand to his chest. “Our strong work ethic, our commitment to agriculture, and, most importantly, our right to fuck cows!”
“…Wait, what?” mooed Farmer Joe.