Fredericton — In quick response to the announcement that New Brunswick schools will be banning the sale of chocolate milk and juice in their buildings, a small, black market industry for it has already begun to take shape within their halls.
“We’re not saying a child cannot have chocolate milk as an occasional after-school snack. Our goal is to only restrict it so that they aren’t drinking it every day,” said Education Minister Brian Kenny, struggling to open small carton of the stuff himself. “After all, We…grunt can’t …let it be…uh…so easy to…access.
“Ah, fuck, I ripped it. Anyone have a fork?”
Since this announcement, many parents have made similar decisions in their own homes, not wanting to look irresponsible in the eyes of other parents. Consequently, the beverage has become increasingly difficult for local children to get their hands on at all.
Despite these new regulations, the chocolate milk still flows at Liverpool Street Elementary; and, for one enterprising young student, that is proving to be quite profitable. Fourth-grader Andy Mullin, a smuggler by trade, considers himself to be the largest black market player in chocolate milk at his school.
“I used to deal in harder stuff…cherry bombs, cap guns, cigarettes,” he told The Manatee. “But milk? Milk is easy. My mom’ll buy me that — she doesn’t give a crap.”
Acknowledging that he wasn’t the only one participating in this new trade, Mullin explained that there are several methods the smugglers use to transport the product onto school grounds. For instance, some keep packets of chocolate powder in their pencil boxes, some strap bottles of syrup to their shins (“quikleggers”), while still others opt to hide it outside the school for later consumption and sale.
This particular approach can come with unintended consequences, however.
“Yesterday, I accidentally left a bottle out in the sun for hours,” said Mullin, shrugging. “It was cool though, I sold off the curdled chunks to some extra-desperate second-graders.
“That’s how bad it has gotten,” he continued, chuckling. “They puked all afternoon! I’m sure they would have let me sell their own puke back to them, too, if the janitor hadn’t cleaned it up.”
As has been the trend with other illicit substances in the adult market, online currency has quickly become the primary method of payment for illegally imported chocolate milk products. Only here, it is social media favours that are most valued.
“I’m not doing this for nothing. If you want some of my milk, then you’ve got to like and share my stuff on Instagram and Twitter,” Mullin asserted.
Like Bitcoin, this exchange is also protected by a blockchain. “If they don’t do it, I hit ‘em with this block,” he explained, holding up a small slab of concrete attached to a metal chain.
While this new policy may be a major hurdle for chocolate milk products, Mullin believes that these regulations can only last so long.
“You can’t stop people from enjoying what’s natural,” he said. “There will be chocolate milk as long as there are chocolate cows.”