New Brunswick — After the many storm days that closed New Brunswick schools this year, with more likely to come, Minister of Education Dominic Cardy announced that he wants schools to hand out assignments specifically for snow days, called “blizzard bags.”
“Kids are missing so much school from these storms, and they’re already dumb enough as it is with the way people parent and with the quality of kids’ TV shows these days,” explained Cardy at a press conference outside the provincial legislature.
“Also, it’s about time kids learn what it’s like to be an adult with a crappy job. You don’t get days off, and if you can’t make it in to work, your boss will make you work from home. We all have to do it, so they might as well suck it up and get used to it now,” added Cardy, going off on a tangent.
“Honestly, it’s more about the life lesson than the schoolwork load. Jobs suck, you have no free time, and by the way, you aren’t special. There. There’s something they won’t teach you in school.”
The announcement was met with an overwhelmingly negative response.
“Storm days are bad enough as it is, what with having to find a last-minute sitter,” said Joseph Burton, a father of three.
“Sitters jack up the price on storm days too, because they know they’ve got you by the balls. But now the prices will go up even higher if they have to force kids to do assignments while they want to be outside having a snowball fight!”
Even some teachers are speaking out against the “blizzard bags.”
“So, what? Every day of winter I have to be preparing these extra assignments just in case school is cancelled the next day?” demanded Grade 3 teacher Martha Klein. “Most of it will never get used. And kids already have to sit at desks all day — let them have a day off now and then to do something else! That’s what sick days were invented for for adults. Let the kids learn to appreciate that.”
But Cardy said it won’t be that complicated, as his main priority is preparing kids for the excitement of thinking you have the day off, followed by the crushing reminder that you have to work.
“It’s really simple — we just need teachers to send out reminder emails or phone calls to the parents to give to the kids right after they wake up, something like, ‘I know the roads are bad, so instead of coming in you can submit your work form home by email. Thanks!'” explained Cardy.
Additional things that might be in the blizzard bags include:
-A reminder about how much education is lost if no one did anything that one day
-Tasks that are assigned on a whim only to be later rejected after completion
-Follow-up emails every hour to make sure they’re actually doing work and not outside having fun
-An invite to a mandatory conference call at 1 p.m. to see how everyone is doing
-A list of tasks to be completed the next day to make up for the storm day, despite having to work during the storm day
-A sense of hopelessness
“Is missing four or five days of school really going to compromise their education that much?” asked local mother Janet McKeen.
“What does that say about the quality of their education? Half the teachers I know of just show movies in class. The kids already watch movies every night at home, so what would they actually be missing?”