Sydney — This week, BP announced that it will permanently close one of its drilling wells off the Nova Scotian coast, but wants to reassure Canadians that this doesn’t mean it is going to stop exploiting as many of Canada’s natural resources as it can.
“At times like these, people sometimes panic,” explained Derek Long, the head of East Coast exploration, “but I want Nova Scotians to know that we will find oil, even if it requires drilling 10,000 metres below the entire ocean floor, effectively scalping the top layer of the Earth’s crust.
“Some of our colleagues interpreted the fact that we aren’t finding any oil in the Scotian basin as a sign that we should transition to more sustainable energy sources. But then we remembered that you fight for what you believe in. And we have inexplicably decided to remain firmly on the oil-drilling side of history.”
Jaimie Malone, a project manager for offshore drilling in the Sydney region, agrees. “Canadians are plucky — we don’t let a lack of efficient or sustainable resources stop us. Just look at the oil sands! They used to be pristine, remote forests, and now they look like a bleak foreshadowing of the world our children will inherit. Now that’s what I call transformation!”
Local residents don’t share quite so cheery an outlook.
“It seems like we should be transitioning to cheaper, more sustainable energy sources,” mused Sheryl Berry, a Halignonian and local business-owner. “But then again, BP knows about the consequences of reckless drilling, so I’m sure they are being very responsible.”
BP declined to comment regarding their spill off the Scotian coast this past summer.
When asked about the potential environmental impact of the offshore drilling project, Malone explained that “the UN climate report says we have almost 40 years left until the world implodes in a cloud of ash and bitumen, so BP’s stance is to just drill as hard as we can until then.
“Think of it this way: as climate-induced panic and resource scarcity lead to chaos, people are going to really need cheap gas to escape the angry mob — and with BP, they can do that on a budget!”
At press time, BP was investigating whether the screams of dying whales can be harnessed as an alternative energy source.