Fredericton — Despite its being in theaters for nearly a week now, Premier Brian Gallant has not yet had the opportunity to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Consequently, the fear of spoilers is very much on his mind.
“Look, I’m the premier! I’m a very busy guy. With all this frigging governing stuff and my last-minute shopping, I probably won’t be able to see it until at least Boxing Day,” he said. “But I can’t even go on Facebook for two minutes without something popping up about the movie. It’s infuriating!”
Gallant named this issue his “number one” concern at the moment, and promptly called a meeting on Tuesday to discuss creating a provincial ordinance to combat the issue. He allowed several reporters into the meeting to ensure everything was kept “on the up and up.”
“My gut instinct is to suggest jail time,” Gallant began, flippantly. “But I guess that isn’t within our ‘jurisdiction,’ so what else we got?”
It took very little time before the group decided that a small tax charge for revealing spoilers would be the most feasible and appropriate response. After a short discussion, however, several members of his cabinet expressed concerns over how difficult such an ordinance would be to enforce.
“Where would we draw the line?” asked one. “When does simply discussing the movie cross into spoiler territory? Can people say they liked the movie?”
“Well, yeah, obviously. That’s fine,” said Gallant.
“Can they say that Carrie Fisher did a great job in her last onscreen appearance?” asked another.
“I guess that’s OK…”
“What if they say [REDACTED NAME] [REDACTED VERB]?”
The premier clasped his hands over his ears. “LALALALALALAWHAT THE HELL, TODD?”
“I just–” stammered Todd, flustered by Gallant’s reaction.
“You’re fired,” said Gallant, definitively. “I am dead fucking serious. Get the fuck out of my office.”
Shocked, Todd began slowly gathering his things into a cardboard box. Gallant angrily stood up and roughly began tossing the rest of his stuff into it. He then picked up the box, tossed it into the air and kicked it out the office. Todd went scrambling after it.
“May the force be with you, asshole,” said Gallant, slamming the door behind him.