Canadian Forces solves fat problem by lowering standards

Gagetown — The Canadian Armed Forces had a growing problem with its soldiers being fat, but that has changed recently as a result of physical fitness requirements being lowered.

“It’s amazing!” exclaimed Col. Jones, base commander of CFB Gagetown. “We used to have these land walruses waddle out of their PT test unfit, but now they waddle out fighting fit!”

The military — especially in New Brunswick — has had an ongoing problem with their members being unable or unwilling to stay in shape. The leadership in the offices of the Minister of National Defence as well as the Chief of Defence Staff tried everything: they banned bacon for a week and ran a health and wellness campaign. In the end, however, the only way they could meet with success was to lower the standards overall.

The Canadian Forces changed from their former rigorous physical fitness test to a newer, easier test where members must complete only the most basic military tasks.

“In the old test soldiers had to sprint back and forth for 20 minutes and do dozens of push-ups. Now all we have to do is walk back and forth 8 times and lift a light sandbag,” Jones explained.

Although the easier test was implemented 2 years ago, the CF didn’t announce the results until today. “We needed to make sure the results were consistent year to year before we called our experiment a success,” Jones said.

These results have the medical community excited about the possibilities. “If this worked for the military, why not for the police, or for kids in phys-ed class? Could the Forces have solved the national obesity epidemic?” mused Doctor Weisman, a surgeon at the Dr. Everett Chalmers Regional Hospital in Fredericton. “What if all we’ve had to do this whole time was just lower our standards?”