Can’t find a family doctor in N.B.? Here are our top 7 health care hacks!

New Brunswick — Newcomers to the Picture Province are finding life difficult because of the well known family doctor shortage. Whether you’ve been here a decade or a day, you probably still don’t have a primary care physician.

We know that a family doctor is as rare as an affordable accommodation that’s not a dump, so we’ve compiled a list of ways to get around this little problem and still have a decent existence in New Brunswick.

1. Be your own doctor: If you have an internet connection (this obviously doesn’t apply to rural New Brunswick), you have a doctor, sort of. You could search WebMD, but that’s kind of played out, so we recommend Reddit. Delve deep into subreddits where everyone’s discussing your problem, have these strangers diagnose you through upvotes, and violà! It’s almost like you’ve been to an appointment in a real doctor’s office.
2. Be a man: Unfortunately women’s health care is abysmal in this province. Need to see a gynecologist? Well, maybe you should have thought of that before being born with female reproductive organs. Just be a man instead.
3. Treat a different problem than the most pressing one: Are you experiencing frequent and intense chest pains? Rather than dwell on that, try to tackle your bum knee that twinges a bit when a storm’s coming. It’s a lot easier to get in to see a physiotherapist than to procure a family doctor. Maybe focusing on your knee will help you forget about those chest pains? Worth a try.
4. Eat more apples: An apple a day keeps the doctor away! But maybe that’s why none of them will come work in New Brunswick? Do we have too many apples? It couldn’t possibly be because the pay is crap.
5. Watch more reality TV: If you’ve ever sat through an episode of My 600-lb Life, you probably know that watching someone in horrible health can make you feel like an Olympian by comparison. It’s all relative. Other great shows to make you feel good about yourself include 1,000-lb Sisters, Supersize Vs Superskinny, or pretty much anything put out by TLC.
6. Eat right and exercise: Haha, just kidding. We’re in a pandemic, for god’s sake. Pass the beer and Doritos.
7. Go wait in the ER for nine hours: This one’s not so much a health hack as the thing you will inevitably have to do if anything’s wrong.