Fredericton — As New Brunswick high school students shift to a new online learning model this fall, the government has announced financial aid to those without laptops.
“This model will assist families in need, and provide an opportunity for lifelong learning,” said Education and Early Childhood Development Minister Dominic Cardy, in a news release.
“Lesson number one. Never deal in cash. Merchandise is much harder to track. Call it ‘Intro to Money Laundering’ or ‘Street Smarts 101 with Mr. Cardy.’ Keep your original receipt, get your rebate, then take it back for a full refund. Boom. You just made six hundred dollars.”
Best Buy locations are already preparing.
“We have dedicated 100% of our Geek Squad to computers and electronics for the month of August,” said Best Buy regional manager Steven Walsh. “When September hits, we’ll pivot to 100% customer service to process our share of seven million dollars worth of returns. It’ll be a hell of a run before we go bankrupt.”
A few parents were surprised and relieved by the announcement.
“Thank goodness the government is willing to help out,” praised Fredericton mother of four Amy Chase. “There is no way my son could learn on his $5,000 gaming computer, or the three other computers in our home. They’re not designed to handle Word, Windows and all of the new fancy-schmancy programs that are required for online learning.
“I don’t pay taxes to have my little dorks infringe on Mommy’s Etsy-Pinterest-Mom Talk hour from 8 to 11 p.m. Get your own damn screen. It’s wine o’clock.”
Local teachers are also supportive of the news.
“I think it’s a nice gesture,” said high school teacher Emily Huston. “There’s nothing that would make me happier than to see my entire class with shiny new laptops after spending thousands of dollars of my own money every year to buy basic supplies for my classroom. Most low- to middle-income families couldn’t possibly afford new computers after buying pools and trampolines this summer. It just wouldn’t be fair.”
“We’re just getting started,” said an enthusiastic Cardy. “Next month, we’ll teach kids how couples can claim separate residences to get two E.I. cheques!”