New Brunswick — After succumbing to threats and accusations of being “bought out” by big pharma, Education Minister Dominic Cardy dramatically reversed his position on vaccinating all children without a medical exemption in the New Brunswick school system.
“I’m convinced,” he said, “that many of the people in this province are refusing to be swayed by science and would prefer to resort to ‘good vibes’ and ‘mother earth’s true intentions’ when it comes to vaccination.”
In an unsolicited interview, one of our reporters spotted Cardy exiting a downtown restaurant and our reporter suspects he may have been a little inebriated.
“Fuck it,” said Cardy. “We’ll set up a new school. These people don’t let up and I’m tired of fighting them on social media. Yeah, I’ve watched Plandemic and it took all I could muster to not join in the thousands of comments on the video. I would have been up all night responding to idiots. “Ain’t no one got time for that!” he said, quoting the popular catch phrase that’s been circulating on the internet.
The plan is to take the recently vacated Coles Island School and convert it into a special school for unvaccinated children. Unvaccinated kids would be bussed from Fredericton, Moncton and Saint John in specially retrofitted buses that would protect the driver from any interaction with these plague kids.
Since the province is committed to providing education in both English and French, there will also be a plexiglass divider separating each side of the buses.
“French children will be instructed to enter to the left of the screen, and English children will be directed to the right side of the divider,” said school board administrator Stacey Fields. “Initially we considered letting all the children mingle, but then once we realized either group could infect the other, we thought a more prudent approach would be to keep them separated.”
There will also be a plexiglass divider which will “essentially divide the school in half,” said Fields. “It will extend across the playground to the edge of the adjoining woods — basically as far as the smoking area in the woods. We’re not too worried about the smoking kids. They’ll be the first to die anyhow,” smirked the administrator.
Children from cities farther away will have to rely on parental transportation. Upon arrival at the school, teachers will don appropriate PPE including face masks, shields and disposable gloves before commencing the regular teaching day.
“I don’t see a problem with it,” said substitute teacher Joyce Maclean. “It’s kinda comforting to know that all these kids are vectors of disease and I’m pretty much protected behind all this gear. By the way, I plan to burn my clothes after every day at school, so if you have a better solution let me know!”
The bus driver association has yet to comment on whether the excessive driving will task their fleet beyond capacity. “As with all snap decisions like this, we just announce things and see how the people scramble to fall in line,” said Cardy.
Classes are expected to start in the fall, once they get all the residual marijuana smell out of the building.