Toronto — CBC has found a new radio host for q and they didn’t have to leave the desk to find him. The announcement took place at a press conference in the CBC headquarters lobby Tuesday morning. Executive producer Lindsay Smrz was first to address the crowd of reporters and q fans.
“We tried lowercase re-branding, but somehow, it didn’t work. Ratings continued to slide,” she said.
Smrz was quick to defend the now former host of q. “We don’t blame Shad. With the popularity of Donald Trump, there is growing demand to hear someone straight from the loony bin. Get it? Loonie!” CBC employees are contractually required to make Canadiana references with every breath.
“In this regard, we have quite an asset in CBC.ca comment users. It’s an endless supply of crazies: from the oppressive to the nonsensical,” explained Smrz.
To reach this new vision for q, CBC had to narrow their search to a depressed region filled with conflict and conspiracy theories that “tell it like it is.” With an advanced algorithm, CBC data scientists found a perfect match in user NB4Sale, real name James Lauder of Chipman, New Brunswick.
“Did you know bilingualism is a franco conspiracy to make the country French?” Lauder explained to reporters in his first public appearance outside of comment threads. “See, Justin is Pierre Trudeau’s son. A lot of people don’t think about that. It slipped right by the media in this last election, but not me. And ask yourself, who legalized bilingualism? Pappa T.”
After what felt like an awkward silence to reporters, but must have been an intentional dramatic pause by Lauder, Smrz stepped back to the mic and concluded the press conference. “You wait. We’re going to blow the lid right off this thing.”
Lauder’s first episode is this Wednesday. His guests will be Jock V. Andrew and Matt Damon.
Staff at The Manatee would like to clarify that bilingualism was not illegal prior to the first Trudeau government, as Lauder suggested.