Fredericton — CBC has decided to corner the lucrative poetry market by publishing amateur verses by angry and disillusioned residents of the Maritime provinces.
“We realized we weren’t monopolizing the Canadian arts scene to the full extent of our abilities,” said Information Morning host Delia Gibson. “I know, I know, we’re publicly funded, but this isn’t about money. It’s about our image. When people think of great literature, of innovative poetry, we want them to think of CBC.
“And hey, if we can put all these little Atlantic-based publishing houses and fringe poetry magazines out of business, well that’s just gravy.”
CBC Fredericton journalist Myles Lewis said he received an email last week containing a long complaint about Canada Post’s delivery services, and that gave him an idea.
“The guy was so pissed off — he said his flyers and coupons weren’t being delivered during storms, because the mailboxes were completely covered in snow and inaccessible to postal workers. Of course I immediately made this story my top priority. His second angry email contained a poem about his harrowing experience. I showed it to my boss, and that’s what got the ball rolling.”
Lewis and his employer, inspired by the Canada Post poem, held a Maritime-wide call for poetry submissions, and in just days received thousands, mainly from unemployed New Brunswickers upset about bad service.
“In came haikus about lines at Service New Brunswick, sonnets about the new fee for Walmart bags, limericks about the price of gas,” recounted Lewis. “While none of them were good per se, they were all very passionate and so, we think, worthy of being published and taken seriously.”
Below, read the poem that started it all:
Oh, Canada Post, How you’ve let me down
If these snowbanks were made of water, I would have surely drowned
Is that really what you want? For folks like me to suffer?
Don’t you know I’ve been waiting for special coupons? So I can save money on my supper?
Buy 1 large pepperoni, Get 2 bucks off the next
A friend of mine has that exact coupon, But for me to get it I’d have to break my neck
Do you really expect me to shovel? What if I were to get a cramp?
At least you could say sorry, Or maybe offer me a free stamp!
But alas I may go hungry, Because there’s no way I’m paying full price
You’ve kept me from my 2 dollars off Domino’s, So I’ll have to go to Scholten’s for pizza
And just buy it by the slice.