Saint John — With funding flagging and bad press amid animal cruelty allegations, Saint John’s Cherry Brook Zoo is desperate for some way to stay afloat. The struggling zoo has settled on euthanizing between 40 and 70 per cent of protesters who’ve been picketing outside the establishment.
While Crown prosecutors did not lay any charges and cleared the zoo of claims of cruelty, the protesters are lingering outside the zoo, deterring customers and hurting the business’s bottom line.
“These miserable Saint Johners have been hanging around outside our gates for far too long now. We may have to ‘rage-kill’ a few if not all of them. And by that I mean euthanize them in the most humane way possible,” said a representative for the zoo, who wished to remain anonymous so as not to receive any more hate mail.
“People get real upset about dead animals — honestly, the reaction to the guinea pig thing could only be described as extreme. But in my experience, people don’t care much about the suffering of other human beings, so it’ll raise less of a ruckus to put down a few of them, I predict. And once they’re out of the way, we should be able to earn back some of the lost revenue and hopefully stay open another year.”
Another zoo employee agreed.
“I mean, think of the utter mayhem that ensues if there’s so much as a rumour of a dog being left in a hot car for a few minutes. A whole mob will hunt down the person responsible and murder them without a bit of remorse. So by that logic, us killing a few annoying people? No one will give a damn. Besides, most of the protesters are elderly and won’t be wanted by any other facility.”
The Manatee spoke with Renée Voltaire, a protester who has been holding a sign saying “Rage-kill yourselves, Cherry Brook!” We told her about the zoo’s plan to euthanize protesters such as herself.
“As long as no guinea pig is harmed, I don’t mind,” she said. “Wait…what is euthanasia again?”