Atlantic Canada — The latest heat wave to smother the East Coast is concerning to many, but not to local man Brad Culberson, who distinctly remembers wearing a T-shirt and shorts in May several decades ago.
“I remember it cuz it was my birthday,” he said. “But this year? It was too cold to even go outside. So as you can plainly tell, climate change is a bunch of BS.”
Experts have been reporting that the planet is at risk of heading toward “irreversible hothouse conditions” — but today the same experts say that, had they consulted Culberson, they would never have jumped to such drastic conclusions.
“We were being fairly alarmist, I suppose,” said scientist John Rockland, who has been studying the effects of climate change for most of his adult life. “We even released a report that got people quite worked up explaining that the Earth is on its way to becoming uninhabitable if we don’t change our ways. But then I saw a Facebook post by this man Brad who reminded us that the planet is billions of years old, and goes through cycles of heat and cold, and that this is just a ‘warm snap,’ if you will.
“So now I’m obviously extremely relieved that we’re not headed toward a self-made apocalypse,” said Rockland, cranking up his lab’s air conditioner, “but I’m pretty embarrassed for releasing that report, too, so I have mixed feelings. I should have just asked Brad.”
The Manatee consulted Culberson, who showed us a picture of a carefree seven-year-old boy wearing shorts, T-shirt, sandals and running through a sprinkler. “That’s me in May of ’65,” he said, finally disproving all this “climate change” and “global warming” hogwash once and for all.
To the relief of everyone, Culberson added that he actually seems to recall more greenhouse gas emissions when he was younger.
“I was always out rippin’ around on my dirtbike, which probably didn’t help the atmosphere any. But now I just stay inside most of the time, so I don’t see how emissions could have gotten much worse over the years.”