Cape Jourimain — The latest release of classified documents from secret-leaking site Wikileaks has revealed shocking information about Canada’s smallest province.
Top secret government reports uploaded today show that the province of Prince Edward Island has been gradually drifting out to sea for the past 150 years. Moreover, the true reason behind the construction of the Confederation Bridge in the 1990s was to anchor the wayward province to New Brunswick.
“There have been stories about this in PEI for hundreds of years, but we all thought that they were tall tales and hogwash,” marvelled Island premier Wade MacLauchlan. “Our orphaned island province was just like Anne of Green Gables, and now with the link — Canada is our Marilla.”
New Brunswick premier Brian Gallant seemed similarly astounded. “It’s like that scene from Gravity where George Clooney is holding onto the tether in outer space to keep Sandra Bullock from floating away into oblivion, only PEI is Sandra Bullock. I could play the George Clooney part I think… I’ve got that rugged jawline and great hair. Not to mention that down-to-earth folksy charm. Anyways, what was I talking about again?”
The leaked documents from the federal government describe top-secret analysis gathered from satellite measurements and global positioning systems. The drift was discovered during the Second World War, and has been accelerating in recent decades. It took almost 50 years to develop the technology to anchor the rambling island rover, which was covertly concealed inside the Confederation Bridge during construction.
The newly revealed data projected that without the fixed link, the “Cradle of Confederation” would eventually careen into Cape Breton. If that happened, it could cause a chain reaction that could send both islands smashing into Newfoundland’s Avalon Peninsula by 2055.
The bombshell revelations has led some to speak out on behalf of a “Free the Island” movement. “PEI was not meant to be Canada’s ‘pet,’ dangling from the end of a leash,” said an anonymous source, known only as Lady Slipper. “It’s time to break free, like the slate over Glibert Blythe’s head!”
The leaked documents also revealed other shocking facts that are still being investigated. These include:
- In the 1970s, Rainbow Valley was the secret headquarters for a cult of red-headed orphans who worshiped Lucy Maud Montgomery;
- Woodleigh Replicas at one point served as a home to a real-life village of Smurfs; and
- Despite the rampant rumours, Cows Ice Cream has never contained pieces of real cows.