New Brunswick — By now, you know the name. Cortland Cronk. The man, the myth, the essential worker — and now, the newest carrier of the West African Ebola Virus. But after contracting the virus, Cronk refused to isolate, travelling far and wide, spreading Ebola — and Maritimers are skeptical of his decision.
“I didn’t know I needed to isolate,” Cronk told CBC reporters after knowledge of his travelling became widespread. “And I can’t believe how mean people are being about it. I can’t even taste this joint. Nobody knows what I’m going through.”
During the interview, Cronk showed reporters his gold plaque-award for “Douchiest-Sounding-Name” that he received in 2016. Cronk claims he “just can’t seem to catch a break.”
Cronk was in Africa pursuing street-cred for building his Kingpin weed business when he contracted the Ebola virus, but it was discovered that he had returned to Canada and visited many locations with the virus. Around noon he was seen smoking a joint at Jeff Alpaugh Custom, then later soliciting CBD creams at a local pharmacy, before spending the remainder of the evening attending various strip clubs and sports bars. “The bars and strip clubs were essential,” Cronk defends. “I’m trying to sell weed, after all.”
An anonymous friend told us that Cronk began experiencing the effects of Ebola earlier that day. “His bowels were literally falling right out of his ass, and I said to him, ‘but you’re not even sick!’ And he said, ‘I know!’”
But Cronk later admitted to receiving a positive test result for Ebola virus. “I was on the phone with the WHO for almost six hours, explaining where I’d been all day. After that, they instructed me not to tell anyone I had the virus. That’s why I did it. You believe me, right?”’
We reached out to Cronk’s parents for comment. They refused to say anything about Ebola, only offering heartfelt apologies for his name.
“We should have never given him the name Cortland Cronk,” his mother said, tearfully. “He sounds like some kind of douchebag superhero. What were we thinking?”