Cavendish — Prince Edward Island’s unemployment rate rose above 12 percent in August, with the most Islanders looking for work since 2014. The number of available jobs in P.E.I. has been largely stagnant since hitting a 5-year low in March.
Fortunately for P.E.I. job-seekers, COWS creamery is creating nearly 10,000 full-time positions — one for every unemployed Island resident.
“We know the number of ‘now hiring’ signs across our fair land has ‘udderly’ dried up,” said COWS spokesman Frank Williams, “and that Islanders are getting desperate. I mean, Sandspit only needs so many carnies, and Cavendish only needs, like, 50 Anne lookalikes. What are the rest of you supposed to do?
“The answer to that question used to be ‘pray to be chosen for a job manning the toll bridge,’ but now it’s ‘go to work for COWS.'”
Williams explained that COWS Inc. will be expanding operations worldwide, so many Islanders will indeed need to pack up and move to locations far beyond their usual stomping grounds.
“Now ice cream-lovers across the world can enjoy our bovine puns. Moodagascar, Moscow, Mooui, Cowsaka, and by the year 2030, the moooon!” brayed Williams.
Hundreds of new workers will be needed for home-based COWS jobs as well, since the company plans to open more franchises all across the small province and will need strong-armed young people for heavy ice-cream scooping labour.
“It’s not easy work, and it’s not as fun as you’d think, but I don’t know any Islanders who shy away from getting their hands dirty,” Williams said. “Beggars can’t be choosers, after all. Oh, and the jobs are minimum wage to start, with a bonus of a half-filled punch card for one small cone after a 6-month probation period.”
Islanders are already lining up with resumés in hand to work for the beloved cowmpany.
Not sure (what is essentially) making fun of unemployed people is really a great basis for comedy, but that’s just me.