Halifax — (Warning: some language in this story may be considered offensive to crybabies.)
A Halifax bureaucrat is facing harsh criticism and the loss of his job after he sent a text that CBC called “bizarre and violent” to a little crybaby who publicly ratted him out.
Municipal CAO John Dover, a longtime fan of satirical publications such as The Onion, in February sent a reworked version of his all-time favourite Onion story, “30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash,” to his colleague, CFO Erin Warden, the wussy-like tot in question.
The eight-paragraph text quoted directly from the well-known satire site, with slight changes that Dover found amusing. Wrongfully so, according to the petulant princess who received it.
We have posted some of the offending text below (please see the above warning again):
In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus travelling from Halifax to Dartmouth, N.S. skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts, and putting nearly 20 more hapless bastards out of their misery.
“This is by far the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed,” said Halifax CFO Erin Warden, referring to the sea of fast-food wrappers, losing lottery tickets, and scorched corpses that littered the crash site. “We’ve done our best to contact family members and loved ones, but so far we’ve only been able to reach four parole officers and 10 AA sponsors.
“Thank heavens nobody made it,” said Halifax CAO John Dover, who described the “disturbing smell” at the scene as a combination of gasoline, body odor, Aqua Velva, and relentless disappointment. “For a second there, I was worried I’d actually have to interact with some of these people.”
The text, which was obviously meant as a joke, went on for several hilarious paragraphs, but it deeply disturbed the darling, doted-upon doll.
“I was taken aback,” said the molly-coddled public servant who claims to be an adult. “I was quite shocked, actually. I replied by asking him, ‘What the heck is this?’ and he said it was a joke. How is that a joke?! For that matter, what is a joke? No one has ever explained it to me, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t one. And regardless, no one sends me things they find humorous! No one!
“I’m offended and that means someone has to lose their livelihood — their very means of acquiring food and shelter,” prattled the precious sookie-baby, god bless her little heart.
Dover faces strict punishment for sharing the Onion story with someone he incorrectly believed to have a sense of humour. “I suppose I should get what’s coming to me,” he said sadly. “I am deeply sorry that I had the gall to joke with someone in this ‘bizarre and violent’ manner. I deserve an equally bizarre and violent punishment. Maybe being tarred and feathered? Do people still do that?”
Warden was too upset to comment much further on the issue. The precious little thing was reportedly so shaken that she wet her pampers and had to call mommy and daddy to change her. Dover has apologized profusely for the text, but Warden is inconsolable.
“I need a few weeks off to have a good cry,” whined the lily-livered namby-pamby. “Then maybe I can regain the strength needed to try to get this monster fired.”