Quispamsis — In alarming news that interrupted an otherwise uneventful day, a local dog’s behaviour changed drastically when it became aware of a visitor at the front door of its house.
“I don’t know what happened,” said new dog owner Janice Perrot. “The dog was lying down and sleeping, when the doorbell rang. Suddenly, his demeanour changed dramatically like it was an animal possessed by aggression and alarm.
“He ran to the door barking wildly, jumping at the door. He was looking me, like he couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t freaking out too.”
Unable to determine the source of the dog’s distress, Perrot downloaded a dog translator app and also engaged recently re-careered dog whisperer, Dominic Cardy. With this assistance, Perrot has been able to piece together what happened that caused the her normally relaxed pug, Charlie, to become so agitated.
The following is a transcript of the interaction:
Charlie: snoring
Charlie: hears something outside, jumps up from a dead sleep. “Whaaaaaa,… whaaaaaa, what the heck was that?! Did you hear that? I heard something! Outside! Outside! Is someone here?? Is someone here?? I think someone is outside!! RIGHT NOW!”
Ding-dong, doorbell rings
Charlie: “OMG OMG OMG!! DID YOU HEAR THAT?? The DOORBELL!! Someone is definitely outside trying to get inside! OMG OMG OMG!!”
Runs to front door, jumping on it
Charlie: “Hey, it’s DEFCON 1, lady! This is not a drill! I repeat, NOT A DRILL! Get your gun!! Someone is at the door and wants come INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!”
Door opens, sees unfamiliar person delivering a package
Charlie: “I don’t know who the HELL you think you are coming to my frickin’ door, but you are a DEAD MAN!! I will tear you apart and make you regret the day you first sucked on your mama’s teat! You have got A LOT of goddamned nerve! I better get a status report on you…”
Sticks nose into visitor’s crotch
Charlie: “OK, we’ve a middle-aged woman, not pregnant, had Thai food for supper last night, maybe ovulating…”
Gets scratched on ears
Charlie: “Oh… oh my… ummm, oh…. that’s… so… good… oh, don’t stop, oh my, that’s soooo goooood. I’m in heaven! Where have you been all of my life? I love you! I love you! I love you!”
Visitor leaves
Charlie: “Heeeey, where are you going? What? But I love you! We are best friends now! Come back! Come back! I’m going to miss you sooo much!”
Door closes
Charlie: “I can’t believe they’re gone… Wow, that was exciting! Hey look, there’s my human.”
Charlie: “Got any food?”