Washington — As pressure continues to mount for sitting U.S. President Donald Trump to concede last week’s election to President-Elect Joe Biden, his personal lawyer revealed that one of his contingency plans could greatly affect America’s neighbours to the north.
Among Trump’s options, beyond flimsy legal challenges and squatter’s rights, include holding voter suppression rallies, starting a new presidential campaign for 2024, rushing to his bunker to go out Hitler-style and, finally, moving to Canada to run for prime minister.
While the law states that one must be a Canadian citizen to run for prime minister, Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, told The Manatee on a Zoom call that this was “not likely to be an issue.”
“The liberal elites also claimed that there was no way he would become president,” said Giuliani, lying on his hotel bed and tucking his shirt into his pants. “But, somehow he managed it. Anything could happen. Anything!”
The prospect of Prime Minister Trump is especially troublesome for those American expatriates who moved to Canada in 2016 to avoid the Trump presidency.
“Now where am I going to go?” asked Jerry Malone, a hipster who moved to Moncton four years ago. “Denmark? Is that a country?”
Although The Manatee had not expected a statement on behalf of the president for this article, the office received the following voice message from the White House’s unlisted number at 3:47 Tuesday morning.
“Listen, there are a million things I’d like to do with your country,” a raspy voice with a thick New York accent said.
“First of all, Bryan Adams. Ask anybody, and they’ll tell you that he is the Canadian Bruce Springsteen. But he hasn’t got half the money. He doesn’t have the fame, the recognition, and frankly, the talent of ‘The Boss.’ ‘The Boss!’ They call Springsteen ‘The Boss,’ and the truth is—he isn’t the boss of anything. Bryan Adams should be ‘The Boss,’ if anybody. And it really is a terrible deal. A terrible deal…and it’s a shame, let me tell you. I can tell you we’re looking into it very closely, and—”
Suddenly, over the line there was a harsh thumping noise, accompanied by the sound of splintering wood.
“Oh shit, they’re breaking into the Oval Office. Send help! SEND THE MOUNTIES!! SEND—“
With this, the phone went dead.