Fredericton — Like most outdated trends, joining a doomsday cult is only just becoming fashionable in New Brunswick, and one new sect is predicting the end of the world after a prominent member saw a Fredericton driver merge without difficulty.
“This surely must be a sign of the End Times!” bellowed cult leader Leon Irvine, known by close friends as “Our All Powerful and All Knowing Great, Supreme and Awesome and Infallible Leader,” or simply “Leader” for short.
The cult, calling themselves Heaven’s Gate (somehow, Irvine had never heard of the original cult by this name whose members infamously committed mass suicide in 1997), have been around since the time the roundabout was constructed in September 2015. Irvine claims to have witnessed a motorist correctly use the roundabout, which he took as a sign from God that he should gather followers who would begin predicting the end of the world based on Fredericton driving signs and general traffic patterns.
Merging — a very basic driving technique taught on day 1 of driver’s ed and then promptly forgotten forever by all Frederictonians — was determined to be the ultimate sign of the apocalypse by Irvine and his devotees. One of his brainwashed minions just last week saw it happen in the correct fashion — or so he claims.
“I was out at the Walmart grabbing some vials to contain blood sacrifices — they’ve got a great deal on vials for Boxing Day — and when I came back to the south side, I saw someone merge to get on the Westmorland Street Bridge,” said a wide-eyed Gregory Philips, Irvine’s second in command. “The driver didn’t slam the brakes on, nor did they just suddenly swerve into the next lane without looking…it was one smooth, effortless motion that didn’t even endanger anyone’s life.
“I was amazed. I drove right over to our headquarters at [location redacted] and told Leader. He told me what I already knew: the end is nigh.”
Frederictonians, upon hearing the news that the world will end at midnight or shortly thereafter, have decided to just say “screw it” and drop the pretense of even trying to drive properly, instead fully embracing their nature by driving like maniacs all day.