McAdam — One McAdam man believes he is doing his part to help Canada make its mark during the Rio Summer Olympics by breaking as many records as he possibly can — the only problem is that he’s a moron.
Bruce Chadderly, 22, with no idea what an Olympic record is, decided one day to take matters into his own hands, which led him to his father’s music collection in the family’s attic.
“Dad had all kinds of records that weren’t being touched,” he shouted over the noise of the vinyl records snapping into pieces. “There are records from the Bee Gees, the Beatles, Elvis, The Guess Who — I’m trying to smash as many records from different countries as I can.”
Chadderly said he was first inspired a few days after the start of this year’s Olympics when he noticed that Canada was struggling to get on the podium.
“I kept seeing all of these other countries getting medals,” he recalled, “and the TV people kept talking about the records they was breaking to get the gold. So, naturally I thought ‘Heck, I can break lots of records.’”
The young McAdam resident insisted that he knew his record-breaking feats wouldn’t actually help Canada attain any medals, but still felt that his accomplishments might motivate the athletes to perform better going forward.
“I know I won’t be winnin’ gold medals or nothing for doin’ this, ’cause I’m not in Mexico or whatever,” he explained in reference to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil where the Olympics are taking place. “But maybe if they see that some out-of-shape guy from New Brunswick can break records, they can too. Hopefully I inspire kids all over the world to try and break records, too — it ain’t so tough, really.”
When asked whether his father supported his use of his vintage music collection to motivate Canadian athletes, the young Chadderly told our reporter that his dad has not yet been made aware of the situation.
“He’s been in P.E.I. on vacation the past few weeks but I don’t think he’ll care,” he said optimistically. “They was just sittin’ up in the attic in a sealed box that said ‘don’t touch,’ so it was pretty obvious he wasn’t going to use them for anything.”
With only five days remaining in the 2016 summer games, Chadderly is confident he’ll be able to break hundreds more records; he then plans to begin training for the 2020 Olympics, which are set to take place in Tokyo, Japan.
are you guys even trying any more?