Atlantic Canada — Facebook users who were just weeks ago concerned about a massive data breach are now curious about a rumoured possibility of dating Mark Zuckerberg, the head of the social media company.
The 33-year-old CEO recently announced that Facebook will be launching a new dating service where any of its users can date Zuckerberg himself.
“Well, not any of them,” he stipulated. “I mean at this point I know everything about everyone who’s ever used Facebook. I was going to go on a date with Peggy’s Cove’s Margaret Jenner, but then I remembered that in 2009 her status said that she hated avocados and I absolutely love them. I don’t think I’d be able to get over that. And you should see some of the messed-up shit people say in their private messages.
“But more than 200 million Facebook users list themselves as ‘single’ — the potential for people matching with me is just insane,” said the hopeful Zuckerberg.
“I wouldn’t call him hot — not by a stretch — but he has a certain boyish charm,” admitted Renee Holland of Halifax, N.S., who was getting ready for her dinner-and-movie date with Zuckerberg this evening. “I’ve certainly gone out with worse.”
“Hi, I’m Date Mark — Nice to meet me,” said the billionaire tech mogul when he appeared at Holland’s door, in an obvious ripoff of the “Date Mike” gag from The Office. He wore a backward Kangol hat and a pink dress shirt that had way too many buttons undone.
“Ugh, let’s just go,” said Holland, dragging Zuckerberg out the door by the arm. “I hope you’re not going to act like this all evening.”
Zuckerberg said in a statement that the new service, unlike most social media-based dating apps such as Tinder, is “not just about hookups.”
“It’s about creating a long-term, loving, committed relationship with me, Mark Zuckerberg. Obviously I’m not, like, ‘opposed’ to hooking up, but it’s not all I’m after. I’ve never been that kinda guy.”
The Manatee pointed out that one major flaw with the service is that users can exploit the awkward CEO’s wealth.
“I want to date lots of different people, but I don’t want to be used for my money,” explained Zuckerberg. “When someone signs up for the app, they have to agree to a massive Terms and Conditions page. Hidden deep in there is a pre-nup in case we get married, and a clause saying they will actually pay for the whole date!”
St. John’s man Bryan Ingram went on a date with Zuckerberg last night, hoping to find romance.
“I’ve been single for three years now, and while I’ve gone on a few dates, I haven’t felt that spark, y’know?” confided Ingram. “At first things were going OK with Mark, but then he started pulling all these cheesy date moves. We were sitting on a bench looking at the sunset when he did the ol’ yawn-and-reacharound. It was so unnatural. Then he just started spouting all these lame lines, like ‘Is that a thumbs-up in your pocket? Cuz I really ‘like’ your ass.’
“And here I thought I was rusty.”