Fredericton — After a poor weather weekend of pouring rain, Environment Canada confirmed today what many had already begun to suspect.
According to the latest global and regional forecast models, the summer of 2019 will have hot and sunny weather in New Brunswick. However, those warm, pleasant days that we dream of during the long winter will occur only on days where you need to work indoors and aren’t able to appreciate them.
Moreover, on your days off and especially on long weekends, the weather will be shitty, rainy, cold or some combination thereof.
“It’s really the worst of all possible outcomes for New Brunswickers once again,” moaned senior climatologist Johnny Pluie. “Most people in this province can’t afford to jet away to somewhere hot and sunny in the winter, so they crave this summer weather all year long. But, I’m sorry to say that this year it will only occur on days where it’s impossible for them to enjoy it.”
Pluie states that New Brunswick’s nicest summer weather will mostly happen on days when most people will be working their guts out to make ends meet. “And don’t think you’ll be able to knock off work early to enjoy the evening,” he said. “On those days, you’ll have to work overtime or have some bullshit chores to get done like mowing the lawn, weeding the garden or driving your screaming brats to some soccer or baseball program.”
Some may think the unemployed or retired might be better positioned to enjoy the nice weather on weekdays, but Pluie doesn’t think so. “Don’t forget that those New Brunswickers are on fixed incomes and probably unable to be able to afford to do much. In those cases, they are mostly limited to sitting on their steps drinking whatever cheapo beer they could buy with the change they found in their couch cushions. It’s sad really.”
Pluie encouraged New Brunswickers to look on the bright side though. “Hey, it’s only 13 months until next summer, so that’s something to look forward to. In the meantime, have a drink and try to get through it!” he smiled, pulling a fresh beer from his desk drawer.