New Brunswick — After prematurely leaving his post as Consul General in Boston, former New Brunswick premier David Alward returned to the province this past November. Alward’s media silence since returning has caused a great deal of rumour and speculation, much of which was confirmed this week after the Conservative leader launched a website promoting his newly formed religious community, Alwardism.
To celebrate the launch, Alward invited members of the local press to his beautifully painted tent on the Alwardist Grounds just outside of Bathurst. Inside, Alward sat wearing a thick parka decorated with spotted paints and tribal/religious symbols. Both he and his guests were being tended to by beautiful, wide-eyed young women stumbling about the space mumbling to themselves as if under the influence of some kind of hallucinogen.
“After a long and torrid political career in which I attempted to spread my message through legislative change,” Alward began, “now, finally, I am able to promote my values in a less restrictive venue. Perhaps here, my ideas will no longer fall upon deaf ears.”
Once Alward opened the tent up to questions, reporters jumped on the opportunity, confronting him with the salacious rumours that have dogged both him and his religion since he began the enterprise, like that he has recently taken 26 wives, or that he’s claimed to have been possessed by the ghost of Charlie Manson.
“Oh. Well. You know…Hey,” he equivocated.
Towards the end of the conference, the former premier reiterated that Alwardism is a religion of peace, and will remain as such so long as it does not experience any interference from “big government.” After formal questioning came to a close, Alward invited reporters to stick around the camp and “enjoy a bit of the good life.”
“Can I get any of you something to drink?” he asked, motioning to one of the girls. “Coffee? Pepsi? Kool-Aid?”
An uncomfortable silence fell over the room.
“Ah, lighten up! I’m kidding,” he said with a chuckle and a wave of his hand. “We do have some, though, if anybody wants it. I think it’s grape.”
Check out Alward’s newly launched website for more information on Alwardism or to sign up for his “Spiritual Guidence” [sic].