Fredericton — The City of Stately Elms is about to get a little less…elm-y…this year when 19 trees will be removed from Officers’ Square downtown.
“I don’t want to have to walk around among you riffraff just to catch Classified when he plays here this summer!” Gallant yelled from his window at a passing Manatee reporter. “As you can see I have a telescope set up in my office and the only thing standing in my way of a great summer of entertainment are those damned trees.
“That’s to say nothing of Harvest Jazz & Blues — think of all the acts I’ll be able to see and hear perfectly once we tear out all that dead wood!”
Gallant said he was strolling Queen Street last week when the idea hit him.
“Well I wasn’t ‘strolling’ so much as being driven around by my wife. Anyway, Blaze and I looked out the window and saw those big, pointless trees just standing there like idiots. Suddenly we turned to each other and I knew we were both thinking the exact same thing.”
The common thought between the dog and his master was this: that the landscape and architecture of Fredericton should be more tailored to the needs of our glorious premier, Brian Gallant. Beyond just the stage-viewing aspect, forcing the city to remove the trees will allow Gallant to, “catch a better glimpse of cute girls lounging in the square in their summer clothes; to see all the debris washed up from the flood; even to witness an NHL team potentially play on the square’s rink,” you know, if hell ever freezes over.
Gallant also said he intends to remove the Beaverbrook Art Gallery so he can look out over the river and be alone with his very deep, very premier-like thoughts.
A few locals are upset by Gallant’s seeming selfishness, but most will admit that they’d rather Gallant check out city events in private than actually be among the people.
“The guy is annoying. His endless photo ops, his fake smile, his dumb announcements,” confided downtown resident Sarah Harvey. “Yeah, I think the trees are beautiful and they should stay, but if destroying them is what it’s gonna take to keep Gallant up in his ivory tower, then I guess it’s OK with me.”