Fredericton to just go ahead and close all roads for the rest of summer

Fredericton — The City of Fredericton has been on a road-construction spree the likes of which capital residents have never seen, and it seems there’s no end in sight. With work beginning on a new roundabout in the Two Nations Crossing area, traffic is officially cut off in more areas than not.

“So they already closed access to the Westmorland Street Bridge on both ends, a big chunk of Smythe Street, the bottom of Regent, a bunch of Riverside Drive — it’s just detour after detour,” said Brookside resident Lisa Morton. “It’s like being trapped in a maze! It’s like we’re the rats and planners are the scientists putting us through cruel experiments! ‘How much heat and how long a commute can they stand?’ ‘What if we block the street they live on?’ It’s an evil conspiracy, I tell ya!”

City planners and politicians are unfazed by the public reaction, and in fact plan to shut down all public roadways as early as the end of this week.

“As far as I know, everyone loves the construction. I’ve heard nothing but good things,” said Stephen Horsman, shrugging. “Perhaps people in my riding are just especially positive, forward-thinking individuals? I can’t say for sure.”

“What are people complaining about? If they wanted to drive freely and have low commute times, they should never have chosen to live in a bustling New Brunswick metropolis,” said city planner Brent Nielsen, without a trace of sarcasm. “At this point I’m just like, ‘fuck it,’ ya know? When we started this roundabout, that really sealed the deal; it’s going to be mayhem out there no matter what, so we might as well just shut ‘er all down.”

The city will be removing all signage in an effort to save money and manpower, and will make one blanket announcement about all roads being closed until further notice.

Nielsen suggested people walk or bike to work. “The trails will mostly still be accessible, and you can walk around the road crews if you need to. It’s a heckuva lot healthier than sitting in a car,” he preached. “Most people want to lose a little weight — well, you won’t need to go to the gym if you walk four hours a day!”

Continuing his sanctimonious spiel, Nielsen said another obvious solution is to avoid going to work altogether by calling in sick, using vacation time — or quitting outright.  “It’s way too hot out to be working anyway, right? I’m sure your boss will understand.”

Mayor Mike O’Brien said he’s already been getting quite a lot of flak for the construction, even though he has no real hand in it.

“I don’t even want to think about how it’s going to be with every road closed, no buses, no taxis — I’ll have a lynch mob after me!” he said, with a distinct note of panic in his voice. “Think Woodside might want his old job back? He can have it!”