Fredericton — The commuting population of New Brunswick’s capital are currently struggling with clogged transportation arteries, the most notorious of which — the intersection at Prospect and Regent — has begun to wear patience thin.
Local commuter Gordon Mihan expressed his frustration. “Yeah this construction has added to my already unbearable 12-minute rush-hour drive home,” he said. “What is this, Toronto?”
Fortunately for all local commuters, construction crews around Fredericton have begun digging pits all over the city in anticipation of a mass-burial for all of the folks naïve enough to trust Gallant will actually provide for us (even though the Tuition Access Bursary will inevitably fall through, be revoked, or reveal some other shortsighted structural flaw in its planning that prevents those who would most benefit from it from accessing it).
Fredericton’s new mayor, his worship Mike O’Brien, weighed in. “We’re really excited to be the premiere city in New Brunswick that is building mass graves for when the provincial cronies make their next mess,” said O’Brien. “We’ve always been a leader in ambitious initiatives. Did you see that chalk stencil on the sidewalk about how we helped map the moon? My niece drew that up. I like the colour.”
Unconfirmed reports claim former mayor Brad Woodside has been slithering through the pits, basking in the freshly upturned soil for nutrition, whispering with his forked tongue missives about how “soon, soon, all those young bones will be the final ingredient to my ascension,” though his former worship could not be reached for comment.
O’Brien reiterated: “So soon as all these young labourers have withered into nothing and been returned to the earth from whence they came, traffic volumes will ease, and we will all be able to more comfortably drive to Prospect Starbucks for Frappy-Hour without having to worry about messy merging and bumper-to-bumper proximity.”
But the mass-burial pits have not been met without criticism. Many dissenters claim digging all these mass-grave pits so early seems like poor planning, especially when construction crews could be spending this crucial period working on more important projects. Gordon Mihan speaks for us all when he says:
“I think they should do something more pressing, like putting in a second drive-thru lane at downtown Timmies, like they have at McD’s, y’know?”