Fredericton — A gigantic, hideous snake has been spotted on Albert Street in the capital city, not far from where a disgusting boa constrictor of the same description went missing in mid-August. Fredericton residents are relieved that the scaly beast has slithered to safety once again.
This thing-of-nightmares goes by Venus, and the Fredericton Police Force is happy to announce that she will soon be back among her family and friends.
“We’re overjoyed to report that Venus is not only alive, but thriving,” said Const. Allan Hayes. “It looks like she’s put on quite a few pounds, if anything, so she must have found something big and delicious to snack on during her month at large.”
“I’m just glad to know she’s alive and well,” said northside resident Allison Bye, of the repulsive creature that would likely attack a small child if given the opportunity. “I’ve been worried sick about her. Can you imagine being left to wander alone for a month, without a friend in the world? It’s a scary thought.”
The 13-kilogram venomous vermin is currently in a holding cell at the police station, where she has been wrapped in a cozy blanket and is said to be drinking herbal tea to help her recover from her wild misadventures.
“We want to let everyone know that Venus is doing well and she’ll be back on her feet… I mean, back on her belly in no time,” said Const. Hayes. “She may be cold-blooded, but she’s got a warm heart.”