Fredericton — French-speaking people in New Brunswick are getting a break in the cost of owning a car.
Starting in 2020, the provincial Department of Public Safety is proposing that any French passenger vehicle under 4,500 kg will only need to be inspected every two years. Vehicles belonging to English-speaking New Brunswickers will still need to be inspected annually.
“The reason for the proposed change is pretty self-explanatory,” said Public Safety Minister Carl Urquhart. “Everyone knows that French people are just better drivers in general. All of the controls are in English, so they end up driving slower and more carefully.
“We might do the same for English people in the future,” said Urquhart. “That is, if we can see proof that they’ve stopped driving the hell out of their cars all year long.”
Other planned inspection changes include:
- The neon orange rejection stickers will now light up and flash like a strobe light. This is to make sure everyone notices what a loser car you have.
- By law, Public Safety Minister Carl Urquhart will be allowed to take your car “for a spin” anytime he “damned well pleases.”
- To make up for lost revenue, mandatory oil changes are now required every time you fill your tank.
- If at least six dads walk around your car for 15 minutes with arms crossed and nod at it gravely, it automatically passes inspection — no questions asked.
- Car inspection places will still be able to say that you have “ball-joint problems” — whatever that means — even though your car seems totally fine.
- Brake inspections will involve automotive technicians taking your car for a “Ferris Bueller”-style joyride.
- Tires will be evaluated by a “fail/not bad” system — they either fail outright or they are “not bad but keep an eye on them.” Only new tires are “fine.”
- Front and back blinkers now need to be able to flash to the beat of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
- Your fluids are just fine how they are…they don’t need to change for you! Leave them the hell alone already!