New Brunswick — Ever since Dominic Cardy unceremoniously disclosed Blaine Higgs’s covert plan to replace French immersion, academics and parents have wondered what such a substitute would be.
On Wednesday at an impromptu presser, new Education Minister Bill Hogan revealed key details about the golden-brown replacement coming soon to New Brunswick schools.
When pressed by reporters for even an iota of information about the new program, Hogan finally said the immersion alternative would be hot and flavourable with a crunchy exterior and a light, fluffy interior.
“Trust me, this is going to be very popular with all New Brunswickers,” smiled Hogan. “And, it’s a ‘Made in New Brunswick’ solution! It’s is being processed right now in Florenceville-Bristol and definitely will be ready for the 2023-2024 school year.”
After the reporters in the scrum grew quiet, staring at him wide-eyed, Hogan finally cracked.
“Okay, it’s FRENCH FRIES!” he said, making jazz-hand waves with both hands. “Ta-da! Kids love french fries, am I right? Right? Huh?
“Come on folks, this wasn’t my idea, don’t shoot the messenger!”
When pressed to explain this radical change in curriculum, Hogan gave full credit to Premier Higgs.
“Look, ever since every francophone in New Brunswick voted against him, fries are the only French thing the premier will even talk about,” said Hogan. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even french kiss anymore! He kicked the french horns out of the New Brunswick Youth Orchestra! He stopped drinking french vanilla!
“And don’t even get him started on french toast!” Hogan moaned, rolling his eyes. “He’s all like, ‘What was wrong with good old normal toast, like I grew up on in Minto? Is it not “woke” enough anymore!?’ I don’t even know what he’s on about most of the time.”
Green Party Leader David Coon was the first to denounce this change. “What the hell? I don’t even like fries!”
Hogan replied, “Well, what if we put cheese curds and gravy on top? Maybe some rotisserie chicken and…”
“Stop!” Coon interjected. “You had me at ‘cheese.'”