Cap-Pelé — With the price of fried clams in the Picture Province skyrocketing, as of Wednesday morning the traditional Maritime summer staple is trading 1:1 with gold.
“Fried clams are golden in colour and now match gold in value in Canada,” said Bay Street banker Marla Barry. “The cost of clams has been creeping up over the years, but 2017 marks the first time the snack is exactly as coveted as the most precious known metal.”
Gold in Canada is currently valued at $50.12 per gram, or $1,558.97 per ounce (31.1 grams). Clams, despite being covered in cheap breading and deep-fried in cut-rate oil, are also valued at $50.12 per gram, and New Brunswickers and tourists are shelling out their hard-earned loonies for the delicious treat.
“As far as I’m concerned, the gold standard in fried clams is the ones you get with a side of fries and a can of Coke at the Clam Shack in Cap-Pelé,” said customer Oliver Boudreau, licking his fingers. “I paid a few hundred for this basket here, but short of the McDonald’s lobster roll, there’s no better meal.
“In fact,” he added, “I bought a couple baskets last week and buried them in my back yard… I don’t trust the banks with my clams, y’know. If I keep them there, who knows how much they’ll be worth by the time I’m ready to retire! But don’t tell anyone that — I don’t want no thieves stealing my clams.”
Clam Shack owner Renée Dubé said he’s always sensed the intrinsic value of the seafood he’s served, but now it’s a proven fact. “Clams aren’t easy to come by, there’s demand for them in the States, you have to dig for them and that takes manpower, they’re beautiful — just like gold,” he mused.
“We’ve had to jack up the prices over the years and people have complained, but you can’t expect something for nothing. Do you complain about the cost of diamonds for your jewelry, or of gold for your wedding bands? Of course not! So why gripe about clams — which are much better than jewels in every way — going up in price? Be thankful you can get them at all.”
Premier Brian Gallant is relying on the costly clams to boost the local economy.
“If we can get tourists here who just have to try the clams, and we don’t tell them the price till after they order, we’ll make a killing!” exclaimed the premier. “Finally something in this godforsaken province has value. And not like…sentimental value, but, you know, real value.”