Fredericton — According to reports from numerous friends, newly dumped man Derek Ryder’s apartment has in record time become a “total slum.”
Twenty-nine-year-old Ryder, a Fredericton-based IBM software developer, was dumped last month by his girlfriend of 4 years, Lisa Fullarton. In the lapsed time, the apartment, located on George Street, has turned into what Fullarton calls “a breeding ground for disease.”
“I knew the relationship had run its course when, every day, he’d roll out of bed and leave it unmade, throw together some cereal and leave both the box and the milk on the counter, and leave his sticky bowl in the sink,” Fullarton lamented. “I was tired of being his mother and maid. He’s almost 30 and he’s never cleaned a bathroom — not once! I’m not even sure he knows how to.”
The former couple’s friend group have all sided with Fullarton, saying they can’t believe how long it took her to dump the slob.
“She was always cleaning up after him, and now that she’s out of the picture, his apartment is… well it’s fucking disgusting,” said concerned friend Kayla Reed. “I went over to hang out last night and I saw a shrivelled onion ring on the floor next to the couch… it looked like it had been there a real long time.”
What was once a couch has turned into a repulsive surface on which Ryder stores old Dominos boxes sopping in grease and containing half-chewed, discarded pizza crusts, confirmed another friend, Sam Curtis. “His cat’s litter box is just overflowing and the stench is nauseating, too. I feel bad for the cat — poor Fuzzmuffin can’t just dump Derek like Lisa did.”
Curtis said his old high school buddy’s apartment has become unlivable, and social gatherings have been relegated to the backyard with some old lawn chairs. “I think he believes if he keeps us outside, we won’t notice what a wreck his place has become since Lisa left him. But his mess almost seems to follow him — like he literally leaves a trail of dirt behind him now. His clothes are wrinkled and stained because — swear to god — he doesn’t know how to do laundry.”
Another friend, wishing to remain anonymous, told The Manatee that she witnessed Ryder depart for work without even bothering to close his front door. “I went over to watch Game of Thrones with him on Sunday night, and we heard this rustling among the junk in the ‘living room,’ if you can even call it that these days. Out walked a whole family of raccoons that Derek said he ‘didn’t notice.’ What the hell!”
The friends are working on staging what they’ve dubbed a “clean-tervention” for Ryder. “If reading letters about how his filth makes us feel won’t change him, nothing will,” said Curtis. “And if it doesn’t work, I think we’ll all be forced to dump him too.”