New Brunswick — After more than a week without power for some parts of New Brunswick, Premier Brian Gallant has called upon the Canadian military to help with cleanup, passing out supplies, checking the safety of residents without power, and also thwarting some bullies who were giving the premier a hard time.
“The number one reason they’re here is to help with the outage,” Gallant assured reporters. “We’ll call the other thing ‘reason 1-B,’ and that’s more a happy coincidence than anything else. I actually didn’t even know they’d been called until my mom texted me about it.”
The premier said he did eventually plan on calling on the military to come in with assistance, but was hoping that the problems would just go away on their own first.
“Self-sustainability: that’s what I’m trying to promote,” continued Gallant. “I want us to be a people who can clean up our own messes, fix our own problems, reconstruct our own power-grids, provide our own heat and food and just kinda leave the government alone whenever we can.”
A person familiar with Gallant’s personal affairs claimed to know “the real story” behind why the military has suddenly been called in.
“Mr. Brian has me read all of his texts before he does,” explained Melissa Rodriguez, who works as one of 22 personal assistants to the premier. “That way he can try and think of clever wording for when he actually responds to them — he calls them ‘zingers.’
“So, one morning he was texting his mom about a couple guys who had been bullying him at work,” she went on, “and then like an hour later his mother texts back an emoji of a smiley-faced guy driving an army tank and said something like ‘don’t worry baby, mommy’s taking care of this.’ Mr. Brian was really excited when he read it — he started fist-pumping as if he’d just won the Super Bowl or something.”
When Gallant was asked about the alleged bullies, he deflected the question and chalked it up to “people just not understanding their place.”
“Sometimes, people just need to be reminded who the top dog is — and it’s my mom.”