New Brunswick — Not unlike the 2012 phenomena that predicted the world would end due to an unfinished Mayan calendar, Premier Brian Gallant has professed his belief that the apocalypse will, in fact, come in 2017, according to his Family Guy wall calendar.
Gallant showed the calendar to Manatee reporters in his office early Tuesday morning, since they were the only publication that would touch the story. His adrenalized voice rang through the building, empty for the holiday season.
“See, in September there’s a picture of Meg, October we have Stewie and Brian, November is just Stewie, but, in December, you get the whole gang,” he said cheerily. Then, suddenly, he became somber. “That’s where it ends…December 2017.”
While some may find it unlikely that a piece of merchandise for an animated sitcom has the power to divine the future, Gallant cites the oft-reported predictions of Fox’s other flagship animated series as proof.
“Also, did you know that the creator, Seth MacFarlane, was supposed to be on one of the 9/11 planes, but somehow ‘missed’ it?” Gallant added, raising an eyebrow. “I tell you, these people at Fox are ‘in the know.’ I’ll even wager that’s why Disney bought them.”
Gallant has already rallied his government to begin taking preemptive measures to survive the coming apocalypse, calling many members of his cabinet on Christmas morning and ordering them to get to work immediately.
“Nah, we’re just humouring him,” said Public Safety Minister Denis Landry, in a phone interview. “We just say ‘yes, boss,’ then bide our time until the 1st, when he’ll inevitably come back to the office with egg on his face and we’ll pretend it never happened.”
“We’re building a rocket ship!” cried Gallant, excitedly. “And we’re putting everybody on it! No expense is being spared! New Brunswick will be the first province to colonize the moon!”
He says all this does not, however, affect his New Year’s Eve dinner plans at his mother-in-law’s.
“Armageddon or no Armageddon,” he said, “if I missed that, my wife would effin’ kill me.”